From Parent Pleaser to People Pleaser: Why So Many South Asian Men Struggle With Identity
People-pleasing is something many men struggle with, but for most, it didn’t start in adulthood. It started in childhood — as parent-pleasing.
When we are young, survival depends on our parents. Their approval, love, and acceptance are what make us feel safe. For many South Asian men, this dynamic is intensified by the restrictive cultural expectations where family honour (izzat) plays a powerful role. We have heard the refrain “Log kya kehenge” (“What will people say”) that its become a catchphrase among desis.
From early on, boys are taught that their choices don’t just belong to them — they reflect on the family. The message is clear:
Conform to what’s expected.
Don’t express too much emotion.
Don’t bring shame to the family.
Obedience means belonging.
In that environment, love can feel conditional. And so, many South Asian men unconsciously trade away their authentic self for approval. They learn to hide feelings, mute individuality, and put on a mask of compliance.
How Parent-Pleasing Becomes People-Pleasing
That boy who once worked tirelessly to please his parents often grows into the man who bends himself to please everyone else: bosses, friends, partners, even strangers.
He says “yes” when he means “no.”
He puts others’ needs above his own.
He avoids conflict because being liked feels safer than being honest.
This is where so many men find themselves trapped in people-pleasing patterns without realizing it’s rooted in childhood trauma and cultural conditioning.
The Midlife Reckoning
In their 20s and 30s, many South Asian men push through life, focusing on careers, family, and financial stability. But by midlife, the cracks in the mask begin to show. The constant performing, pleasing, and suppressing of their true selves becomes unbearable.
That’s when the questions start to surface:
Who am I really, beyond all this conditioning?
Why do I still feel empty, even when I’ve achieved so much?
What would it mean to live authentically, without the mask?
This is the stage when many of my clients turn to me.
Rewiring Identity at the Subconscious Level
The truth is, breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t just about learning better boundaries or saying “no” more often. It requires rewiring identity at the subconscious level.
Through my coaching, I help South Asian men return to their authentic selves—the parts of them that were traded away in childhood. It’s about healing trauma, breaking free from cultural conditioning, and creating an identity rooted in self-worth rather than in pleasing others.
And here’s the most powerful truth: when you heal yourself, you don’t abandon your family or culture. You actually honour both by refusing to pass down the same cycles of silence and suppression to the next generation.
Living Two Lives
As I often tell my clients, most men live two lives:
The first life shaped by the need to please, conform, and “be good enough.”
The second life that begins the moment they finally choose themselves.
Helping South Asian men step into that second life is my work—and it’s why I do what I do.
👉 If you’re a South Asian man who feels suffocated by the mask of people-pleasing, know this: you’re not broken. You’ve just been conditioned. And with the right tools, you can rewire your identity and return home to who you truly are.
